Annual Shareholders' Meeting
I'd first like to thank you for coming all the way out here for our annual shareholders meeting. It's not often a firm as large as ours is denied a conference room at a popular hotel chain. However, we feel this storage bin will serve its purpose well and will act as a shining example of the cost-cutting strategies we will soon be implementing.
Has it really been only a year since we last met? Time sure seems to move more slowly as your life's work collapses! It was at that very meeting a year ago that you raised your concerns over our hefty investment in researching and developing Y3K software. You pointed out then, as countless analysts and experts are pointing out now, that the marketplace is simply not yet ready to spend money updating their systems for Y3K. If only I knew then what you knew then. "It's literally a thousand years away" you shouted, while I, and please remember foresight is indeed 20/10, said some awful things about all of you as shareholders and individuals. I suppose we both owe each other an apology.
Now, it's almost a year later, and we've managed to take a slightly below-average tech company all the way to the bottom. Today, we find ourselves having invested most of your money in the leading Y3K-prevention software/personal digital music player...in the entire world. No longer must consumers try to organize all of their Y3K software and songs on different devices. Of course that's purely speculation at the moment, as the market clearly proved it is indeed not ready to prepare for Y3K. I’m sorry, let me be more clear: the market is not yet ready to prepare for Y3K using our software. Our top competitor is actually using our room at the Marriott for a celebration tonight.
As for us, sales are growing at a consistent 0%, up from -20%, after our warehouses were robbed. In addition, our patent will be running out well before analysts predict the year 3000 will come, offering no shred of hope for future use of our cripplingly expensive venture.
It is in that fashion that I'm proud to announce massive, massive layoffs. In fact, it's just me right now. I'll still be earning my executive salary, and due to some exciting accounting techniques, I'll be earning my bonus as well. If you can find solace in that, I urge you to do so.
As for your retirement funds, I have good news and bad. The good news is that you will still be receiving the money put in your 401(k)’s. The bad news is that it won’t be in American currency as you all originally assumed it would be. Instead, we’ve decided it’d be more economically viable for me to distribute your earnings in the form of Y3K software. If our sister-company develops the life-expectancy technology it’s working on then, trust me, by the time you’re ready to retire you’ll be thanking me.
Thank you and please feel free to take some complimentary Y3K software on your way out from the bin in back.
And remember: At Techetech, the sky is the limit!
One Day, I'd Like to be a Professor that Doesn't Give a Shit
by Alexander Dailey
I know I'm just a white upper-middle-class kid with a state school education, but one day I dream of being a professor that just doesn't give a shit anymore. I dream of one day being able to combine my burning passion for office hours with my total disregard for how I'm dressed, and humbly attaining the indifference necessary to master my craft.
I'm a passionate and active guy, and I always put more than 100% into everything I do. But when it comes to putting effort into stuff, I'm pretty lazy. I can't be expected to be on my game year after year, especially once I've been doing it for while. That's why I know being a professor that stopped caring years ago will really utilize my core strengths: nonchalance and scruff. As long as I do just enough, or even less than enough, to get by, it'll give me time to focus on what I truly want to do. Any other job would require me to get better at my job with time, not worse! It's beautiful.
Listen, I just can't picture myself enjoying the monotony of a 9-5 desk job. I need to be out there, in the bubble of academia, squandering my opportunity to mold ambitious young minds! I need the thrill seeing a half-filled room burst with excitement and hope when I finish my lecture 20 minutes early. And the look of disappointment on a student's face when I start next week's lecture instead? Simply inspiring. It can only be rivaled by a student's look of trying to appear as if they've been taking notes on their laptop for 45 minutes straight. It's why I'll get up in the morning.
Truthfully, what I'll enjoy most about my dream job isn't lightening up schedules, but it'll be giving out those little-deserved A's. It might be difficult to learn the names of the students sitting in the front row, but once I give them their A's, I'll be able to sharpen my negotiation skills, bargaining with students who expect to get the easy 'A' I implied they would on the first day of class. I'll put my initial offer on the table, then quickly accept their counteroffer in exchange for not emailing me anymore about their grade. Does it get any better?
Yes, it does. If I play my cards right and publish early, I'll get my tenure and finally have time for all my hobbies. I'll be able to spend my summers traveling, talk about my trips all Fall long, and then talk about my upcoming trips all Spring long. If a student leaves my class not knowing everything there is to know about my travels or a bit of macro-economics, I'll know it's time to retire.
Chris Brown Issues Long-Awaited Press Release
I'd first like to apologize to everyone who has been hurt by my violent and inexcusable behavior, especially my family and all those involved in this unfortunate period of my life and career.
Beating successful pop-artists and young celebrities has been a passion of mine for many years, and I have actively pursued it with my characteristic zeal and success. For me, making world-class music and punishing those talented young women that do it too, have always gone hand in hand. Regretfully, it's become apparent that my hobby has gotten out of hand.
When I met Rihanna several years ago, I knew I was given an opportunity to follow my passion and practice my craft at the highest level. Unfortunately, as I got closer and closer to satisfying my animal need to punch a young celebrity singer in the face, I allowed myself to lose sight of what was really important. My music should always come first, and I stupidly allowed my second love to jeopardize my first.
Rihanna was, and still remains, a close friend of mine, but until she retires or becomes unsuccessful, I will always have an urge to act violently against her. I am deeply sorry for my actions, but I cannot lie and say I won't repeat this behavior with the next up and coming star I date. I cannot describe the thrill of both verbally and physically abusing such a talented young artist. It's simply sensational.
That is why I will be entering rehab for my addiction to hitting female hip-hop artists, and hopefully with the help of trained experts I can overcome my innate love of fighting these women. Hitting Rihanna will always be a temptation for me, but with time I believe I can overcome it and channel that rage into something productive.
Again, I cannot promise that I won't relapse and beat other accomplished vocalists, but I am putting my best foot forward.
Subject: Exam Reaction
Dear Professor,
I just took your exam in BMGT325, and I'd like to share my thoughts about it with you.
While I attended all of your classes and studied for what I felt was an adequate amount of time, I thought the material we were tested on today did not accurately reflect your lectures or your previous assignments. In particular, I was extremely surprised to see that most of the questions were designed to test our understanding of the concepts we've been learning and challenged us to apply them to real world examples. Contrary to the spirit of your lecture, the questions seemed thoughtful and difficult and really asked us to think rather than search for words we recognize from things you've written on the blackboard.
When you told us the exam would contain forty multiple choice questions, I believe it was fair for us to assume that they would each contain an obvious phrase that repeats itself quite frequently, and we would be tested on our ability to recognize that phrase out of 4 other possible phrases. I think it was unfair and deliberately tricky to ask us to apply the concepts we learned in class to anything other than how to answer questions about those concepts in a multiple choice format.
Furthermore, your slow and infamously dry teaching style led me (and I can only assume the rest of the class) to believe that your exams would have as little impact on my life as your lectures do. I was utterly surprised that it not only affected my day, but it affected it negatively.
I can only hope that your poor exam design will be accurately reflected in the generous curve you will give to the students whose grades were deflated by your unconventional methods.
Sincerely,
Sarah Adelman
The Holy Rebbe
My holy brothers and sisters, if there's only one thing in this world that you need to remember, it's this. It's mamash the holiest secret in the world, and every friday night there was a very special rebbe who used to tell everyone at his tisch this holy, holy secret. It was so holy. Brothers and sisters, you need to understand, when I tell you this rebbe was special I don't mean he was special like you and me are special. Every jew in the Five Towns knew that if they had a problem they could go to this rebbe and ask him to send a tefiloh, a prayer, up to the Master of the World for them. And if this rebbe sent a tefilloh for you, I promise you it was always answered.
And on every friday night the rebbe's chassidim would come to his tisch and he would say, "Yiddin, if you only know one thing when you pass through this world, you should know this: A real jew, a real jew, who makes a real prayer, will always be answered. But, my friends, how often do you find a real yid?"
And he would tell this story:
One erev shabbos the rebbe was walking in Grand Central and he found a middle -aged man sitting by himself by Mendy's. Now, friends, when I tell you this man was sitting by Mendy's I don't mean the Mendy's me and you are used to. I'm talking about the dairy Mendy's. The dairy Mendy's that serves bagels, and different kinds of holy salads. The salads are so holy.
So he sat down next to this man and he asked, "My holy brother, why are you sitting by yourself on erev shabbos in front of this dairy Mendy's?
And the middle-aged man started to cry. And he cried "Rebbe, I'm nothing but a humble yid. I'm nothing but a humble yid who wakes up at the crack of dawn every morning to trade commodities and find international interest-rate discrepancies in order to make a small profit and feed my family. And every morning I'm driven to my office before the sun comes up, and I don't come home to my family, that I love so much, until the markets in Asia close. But this morning, I collected all my earnings for this fiscal quarter and put it in a little sack so I could buy my family a meager trip to Miami for Pesach. I left it on my desk for a few moments while I went to fire someone, and when I came back, holy rebbe, it was gone!"
And the old rebbe started to cry. And he stood up and he rubbed this middle-aged man's shoulders and he said "Oh, you're so holy. You're so incredibly holy. You're so holy I want to just mash you up and spread you all over a piece of toast and eat a holy sandwich.
"Unfortunately," he continued, "This isn't my problem."
And every friday night he would tell this this story to his chassidim to remind them that he only sends a prayer up to the Creator in very rare instances, so they better not take advantage of him. Good Shabbos!
