Dear Dr. Josep....
Advice from an Expert

Dear Dr. Josep:
My daughter and I live in Los Angeles and she grew up loving water sports. However, lately I can't stand to see her spend so much time in the sun.  I constantly worry about the long-term effects she'll suffer from spending so much time in the sun when I can't make sure she's wearing sunscreen. I can't live worrying like this anymore, but I also can't take away something she loves so much.  What should I do??
-Careful in Cali

Dear Cali,

If I were you I'd be less worried about UV rays and be more concerned about the damage that the moon is doing to your daughter.  Although the scientific community does not regard this issue as a "credible threat," I, as more or less a doctor and a parent, have taken great precautions against this unspoken danger that floats
silently through the night.
Personally, I don't allow my court-appointed children outdoors after sunset without a thick coat of moonscreen, which consists mostly of sunscreen and water. In general, it's important to remember to dilute your sunscreen, since its poisonous contents have actually been proven more dangerous than the sun itself.
As an individual, you should not be too worried about these health threats to children, but as a parent, you must remember to pay close attention to silent killers like this.  So, to answer your question, I would encourage your daughter to play in the water at night, with a healthy serving of moonscreen that can be purchased for $89.99 at

Dear Dr. Josep,

My wife and I have been having difficulty deciding what to name our newborn baby boy.  She wants to name him Frank, after her grandfatherfather, and I want to name him Simon, after my grandfather.  We've been arguing non-stop.  What should we do?
-Nameless in Nebraska

Dear Nebraska,

Did you know that naming children only gained popularity in the past several decades?  In fact, until the late 1960s, letting a child go nameless was a mark of nobility!  Personally, until I legally gave myself the name "Dr." after being asked to leave opthomology school, I bounced around from name to name, which is actually quite common for drifters. 

The point I'm trying to make is that both Frank and Simon are both equally unfortunate names for your grandfathers to have had, and your son should not be punished for your great-grandparents' mistake.  What he should be punished for is not being able to walk yet.  It's a technique that had me walking by the time I was 6-months old. 
And although most of my experience has been in raising advice columns, not children, I'd suggest that you both pick your favorite celebrities or athletes, then combine both names into one suitable name for your firstborn.  Some suggestions? LeBrad, ShaKeanu, or something along those lines.

Please do not update me on your decision.

Dear Dr. Josep:
    Many of the mothers in my community are warning me against the dangers of having my young children vaccinated.  Everybody is telling me different things, and I'm not sure who to believe.  Help!
     -Indecisive in Indiana

Dear Indiana:
     Listen, I'm not the best parent in the world, but I'm not the worst either.  If I was
such a bad parent, I'd be in jail, right?  If my kids were that malnourished, someone would find out, and I'd be in jail.  But I'm not.  I'm sitting here, giving you advice.  So listen to me when I tell you that vaccinating your children is a complete waste of time and money.  Are you a gambler?  I know I am.  And I'd be willing to gamble that enough of the other kids at school will be vaccinated, that there's no way your kids could get sick.  How can they get the measles if none of the other kids can give it to them? As long as they don't go to the same school as my kids (who spend most of their day in the trailer outside, anyway), things should work out.
     If I were you I'd save that money and take my family on a nice trip.  Third World countries are First World Fun, and can be made extremely affordable by staying in the more unsavory neighborhoods. 
     Yes, I have a license to practice medicine, and no, that license is not recognized in the continental United States. We're working on that.  But I'll tell you what I told my wife when she left me and took custody of the kids:  Vaccinations are a 20th century invention!  It didn't apply at the time, but I think it really helps in your case.  We did fine for hundreds of years, and if your kids can't handle it, maybe they weren't meant to be!

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