Find The Following Below!
Annual Shareholders' Meeting (New!)
One Day, I'd Like to be a Professor that Doesn't Give a Shit (New!)
Chris Brown Press Release
Subject: Exam Reaction
The Holy Rebbe
Thank You For Your Application
Eulogy
I. Introduction
Finance Majors Rethink Interests
Subject: My Paper
"Paaaarty at Apt 11!!!" sent you a message on Faceboo..
Subject: Full-Time Position
Film Review: From Circus To Zoo, The Story of Professor Josep Weiner, The Most Independent Movie Ever Made
Book Review: The Middle East: The Never Ending Crisis...Or Is It? (If You're Reading This In The Future)
Music Review: The Peach Transaction
Annual Shareholders' Meeting
I'd first like to thank you for coming all the way out here for our annual shareholders meeting. It's not often a firm as large as ours is denied a conference room at a popular hotel chain. However, we feel this storage bin will serve its purpose well and will act as a shining example of the cost-cutting strategies we will soon be implementing.
Has it really been only a year since we last met? Time sure seems to move more slowly as your life's work collapses! It was at that very meeting a year ago that you raised your concerns over our hefty investment in researching and developing Y3K software. You pointed out then, as countless analysts and experts are pointing out now, that the marketplace is simply not yet ready to spend money updating their systems for Y3K. If only I knew then what you knew then. "It's literally a thousand years away" you shouted, while I, and please remember foresight is indeed 20/10, said some awful things about all of you as shareholders and individuals. I suppose we both owe each other an apology.
Now, it's almost a year later, and we've managed to take a slightly below-average tech company all the way to the bottom. Today, we find ourselves having invested most of your money in the leading Y3K-prevention software/personal digital music player...in the entire world. No longer must consumers try to organize all of their Y3K software and songs on different devices. Of course that's purely speculation at the moment, as the market clearly proved it is indeed not ready to prepare for Y3K. I’m sorry, let me be more clear: the market is not yet ready to prepare for Y3K using our software. Our top competitor is actually using our room at the Marriott for a celebration tonight.
As for us, sales are growing at a consistent 0%, up from -20%, after our warehouses were robbed. In addition, our patent will be running out well before analysts predict the year 3000 will come, offering no shred of hope for future use of our cripplingly expensive venture.
It is in that fashion that I'm proud to announce massive, massive layoffs. In fact, it's just me right now. I'll still be earning my executive salary, and due to some exciting accounting techniques, I'll be earning my bonus as well. If you can find solace in that, I urge you to do so.
As for your retirement funds, I have good news and bad. The good news is that you will still be receiving the money put in your 401(k)’s. The bad news is that it won’t be in American currency as you all originally assumed it would be. Instead, we’ve decided it’d be more economically viable for me to distribute your earnings in the form of Y3K software. If our sister-company develops the life-expectancy technology it’s working on then, trust me, by the time you’re ready to retire you’ll be thanking me.
Thank you and please feel free to take some complimentary Y3K software on your way out from the bin in back.
And remember: At Techetech, the sky is the limit!
One Day, I'd Like to be a Professor that Doesn't Give a Shit
by Alexander Dailey
I'm a passionate and active guy, and I always put more than 100% into everything I do. But when it comes to putting effort into stuff, I'm pretty lazy. I can't be expected to be on my game year after year, especially once I've been doing it for while. That's why I know being a professor that stopped caring years ago will really utilize my core strengths: nonchalance and scruff. As long as I do just enough, or even less than enough, to get by, it'll give me time to focus on what I truly want to do. Any other job would require me to get better at my job with time, not worse! It's beautiful.
Listen, I just can't picture myself enjoying the monotony of a 9-5 desk job. I need to be out there, in the bubble of academia, squandering my opportunity to mold ambitious young minds! I need the thrill seeing a half-filled room burst with excitement and hope when I finish my lecture 20 minutes early. And the look of disappointment on a student's face when I start next week's lecture instead? Simply inspiring. It can only be rivaled by a student's look of trying to appear as if they've been taking notes on their laptop for 45 minutes straight. It's why I'll get up in the morning.
Truthfully, what I'll enjoy most about my dream job isn't lightening up schedules, but it'll be giving out those little-deserved A's. It might be difficult to learn the names of the students sitting in the front row, but once I give them their A's, I'll be able to sharpen my negotiation skills, bargaining with students who expect to get the easy 'A' I implied they would on the first day of class. I'll put my initial offer on the table, then quickly accept their counteroffer in exchange for not emailing me anymore about their grade. Does it get any better?
Yes, it does. If I play my cards right and publish early, I'll get my tenure and finally have time for all my hobbies. I'll be able to spend my summers traveling, talk about my trips all Fall long, and then talk about my upcoming trips all Spring long. If a student leaves my class not knowing everything there is to know about my travels or a bit of macro-economics, I'll know it's time to retire.
Chris Brown Issues Long-Awaited Press Release
I'd first like to apologize to everyone who has been hurt by my violent and inexcusable behavior, especially my family and all those involved in this unfortunate period of my life and career.
For as long as I can remember, my music has always been my fist love, and I have pursued it ambitiously and successfully. However, beating successful pop artists and young celebrities has been a passion of mine for many years, and I have actively followed it with my characteristic zeal and success.
When I met Rihanna several years ago, I knew I was given an opportunity to follow this passion and practice my craft at the highest level. Unfortunately, as I got closer and closer to satisfying my animal need to punch a young celebrity singer in the face, I allowed myself to lose sight of what was really important. My music should always come first, and I stupidly allowed my second love to jeopardize my first.
Rihanna was, and still remains, a close friend of mine, butt until she retires or becomes unsuccessful, I will always have an urge to violently violate her. I am deeply sorry for my actions, but I cannot lie and say I won't repeat this behavior with the next up and coming star I date. I cannot describe the thrill of both verbally and physically abusing such a talented young artist. It's simply sensational.
That is why I will be entering rehab for my addiction to hitting female hip-hop artists, and hopefully with the help of trained experts I can overcome my innate love of violence against Rihanna. Hitting Rihanna will always be a temptation for me, but with time I believe I can overcome it and channel that rage into something productive.
Again, I cannot promise that I won't relapse and beat other accomplished vocalists, but I am putting my best foot forward.
Subject: Exam Reaction
Dear Professor,
I just took your exam in BMGT325, and I'd like to share my thoughts about it with you.
While I attended all of your classes and studied for what I felt was an adequate amount of time, I thought the material we were tested on today did not accurately reflect your lectures or your previous assignments. In particular, I was extremely surprised to see that most of the questions were designed to test our understanding of the concepts we've been learning and challenged us to apply them to real world examples. Contrary to the spirit of your lecture, the questions seemed thoughtful and difficult and really asked us to think rather than search for words we recognize from things you've written on the blackboard.
When you told us the exam would contain forty multiple choice questions, I believe it was fair for us to assume that they would each contain an obvious phrase that repeats itself quite frequently, and we would be tested on our ability to recognize that phrase out of 4 other possible phrases. I think it was unfair and deliberately tricky to ask us to apply the concepts we learned in class to anything other than how to answer questions about those concepts in a multiple choice format.
Furthermore, your slow and infamously dry teaching style led me (and I can only assume the rest of the class) to believe that your exams would have as little impact on my life as your lectures do. I was utterly surprised that it not only affected my day, but it affected it negatively.
I can only hope that your poor exam design will be accurately reflected in the generous curve you will give to the students whose grades were deflated by your unconventional methods.
Sincerely,
Sarah Adelman
The Holy Rebbe
My holy brothers and sisters, if there's only one thing in this world that you need to remember, it's this. It's mamash the holiest secret in the world, and every friday night there was a very special rebbe who used to tell everyone at his tisch this holy, holy secret. It was so holy. Brothers and sisters, you need to understand, when I tell you this rebbe was special I don't mean he was special like you and me are special. Every jew in the Five Towns knew that if they had a problem they could go to this rebbe and ask him to send a tefiloh, a prayer, up to the Master of the World for them. And if this rebbe sent a tefilloh for you, I promise you it was always answered.
And on every friday night the rebbe's chassidim would come to his tisch and he would say, "Yiddin, if you only know one thing when you pass through this world, you should know this: A real jew, a real jew, who makes a real prayer, will always be answered. But, my friends, how often do you find a real yid?"
And he would tell this story:
One erev shabbos the rebbe was walking in Grand Central and he found a middle -aged man sitting by himself at Mendy's. Now, friends, when I tell you this man was sitting at Mendy's I don't mean the Mendy's me and you are used to. I'm talking about the dairy Mendy's. The dairy Mendy's that serves bagels, and different kinds of holy salads. The salads are so holy.
So he sat down next to this man and he asked, "My holy brother, why are you sitting by yourself on erev shabbos in front of this dairy Mendy's?
And the middle-aged man started to cry. And he cried "Rebbe, I'm nothing but a humble yid. I'm nothing but a humble yid who wakes up at the crack of dawn every morning to trade commodities and find international interest-rate discrepancies in order to make a small profit and feed my family. And every morning I'm driven to my office before the sun comes up, and I don't come home to my family, that I love so much, until the markets in Asia close. But this morning, I collected all my earnings for this fiscal quarter and put it in a little sack so I could buy my family a meager trip to Miami for Pesach. I left it on my desk for a few moments while I went to fire someone, and when I came back, holy rebbe, it was gone!"
And the old rebbe started to cry. And he stood up and he rubbed this middle-aged man's shoulders and he said "Oh, you're so holy. You're so incredibly holy. You're so holy I want to just mash you up and spread you all over a piece of toast and eat a holy sandwich.
"Unfortunately," he continued, "This isn't my problem."
And every friday night he would tell this this story to his chassidim to remind them that he only sends a prayer up to the Creator in very rare instances, so they better not take advantage of him. Good Shabbos!
Thank You For Your Application
Dear Adam,
On behalf of JosepWeinerzz.com, Inc., I'd like to thank you for your interest in employment with us. Fortunately, at this time we are in the process of building our company and expanding our product lines, and now more than ever we need help in all of our departments.
Unfortunately, your resume has failed to impress us. In the future, we suggest leaving off your GPA unless it's not embarrassingly mediocre. Additionally, we do not consider volunteering impressive. Anybody can volunteer.
Our success, however, has never been the result of hard statistical data or other such information that can only be found in paperwork. I think our endeavors into Y3K prevention software can support that claim.
In that spirit we extended you an invitation to take our corporate personality test, to see which qualities you possess that cannot be expressed through Times New Roman. Again, that test revealed enormous shortcomings on your part which, coupled with your absurd underqualification in related work experience, has rendered us unable to offer you employment at this time. We will, however, keep your resume on file in case we receive another application from you in the future, so as not to repeat this arduous process.
It's not often we send a rejection letter as lengthy and detailed as this, but we feel that you should understand how badly we wanted to hire you. With our pocket-sized encyclopedia division seeing unforeseeable success, we are literally desperate for new young talent to fill our offices. I suppose we've now been able to draw a line in the proverbial sand though, distinguishing how desperate we are willing to become. I'd like to personally thank you for the role you've played in that process, which I sincerely hope you do not misconstrue as a glimmer of hope that you'll ever work for us in any professional capacity.
I wish you the best of luck in your career, and truly urge you to apply for one our competitors' leadership programs!
Sincerely,
Josep Weiner
JosepWeinerzz.com, Inc., CEO
Eulogy
When I was asked to speak today, to be quite honest, I was shocked. I hardly knew Mr. Kristoff. I'm actually still not 100% sure who he was, but I got a pretty good idea after seeing his picture here at this lovely, lovely, funeral.
So what can I say about a man to whom I've said so little? I've asked myself that question, and looking around here today, I think I've found my answer.
I believe Mr. Kristof lived next door to me, for what I'm told was 15 years. I remember our encounters vaguely, which leads me to believe that they were not negative experiences. I have an excellent, almost otherworldly, memory, and if they had been either slightly negative or positive I would surely have remembered this man who I'm told spoke about me so often. So he definitely wasn't a bad neighbor....I can assure you of that. Knowing Mr. Kristoff was, at the very minimum, a dearly, dearly, neutral experience.
What I've gathered from this sparse gathering on this sublimely funeralistic day, apparently he wasn't too close with anyone in the building, including myself, or any of his family members, who have joined us via satelilte. So, I can say with confidence that Mr Kristof liked to be alone, or at the very least, was very lonely. Either way, he certainly meant a lot to himself and all those he kept close to. Without him, I don't think any of us would be here, at this very funeral, today.
From the protesters just behind the yellow tape over there, I believe he was at one time a convicted felon. The signs they are waving indicate that he served time for...Dog-murder...And has since made a partial recovery from his addiction to that specific type of murder. All in all, towards the end of his life, Mr, Kristof did not consistently murder at least one species of animal. I know that for sure. And for that, I salute him.
It's an odd request to be buried with all your possessions, but as we stand here before this hole, filled mostly with communist memorabilia, I think it's natural to wonder what lies ahead. Clearly, Mr. Kristof did not believe in an afterlife, but I like to believe that right now Mr. Kristoff's soul is in god's hands, being severely punished for his refusal to believe in that very afterlife.
Thank you.
I. Introduction
Throughout the modern era of the National Hockey League, two interesting facts have emerged as consistent and true from season to season. Thousands of fans can attest to these facts, and endless debating has supported, and led me to arrive at, the thesis which will form the backbone of my study. By analyzing the sexual orientation of each team's players as well as the measurable magnitude of each team's talent and potential, I will arrive at the conclusion that the New York Rangers are a superior hockey team with endless prospective wins, while the New Jersey Devils suck a big black cock.
While each team's historical records, traditions, and championship trophies will point the intellectually honest fan towards one conclusion, I've decided to focus my study on exactly how homosexual the Devils players are, in order to distinguish between the two storied franchises' winning potential. It is my hope that by accurately classifying Devils players as fierce homosexual deviants who enjoy pleasuring eachother, animals, and inanimate objects, I can shed light on their inadequacy on the ice.
Lastly, I will attempt to refute all statistical and performance-based arguments with the simple notion that the Rangers, in fact, are fuckin awesome, while the Devils, despite convincing evidence relating to their chances of making the postseason, do, in fact, suck cock.
It is my hope that this paper can be used in the timeless debate on the superiority of each team, as well as by scholars around the globe studying the differences between things that rock and things that are retarded.
Finance Majors Rethink Interests
shareholder wealth, I have no other choice. I can't see myself doing anything else."New York, NY- As the current economic crisis extends its grip around Wall Street, finance majors around the country find what used to look like a lucrative career path becoming an unfriendly cul-de-sac. As investment banks and private equity firms close their doors and expense accounts to recent graduates, some finance students are rethinking their uncompromising passion for the cost of equity.
"I've always had an undeniable interest in capital restructuring and minimizing exposure to risk," said Michael JPMorgan. "Now that I can't even get a job in my grandfather's company, it's getting harder and harder to pursue my love of financial ratios."
Others, however, are no longer sure finance is for them. In an interesting trend, finance majors are not thinking of other careers to pursue, but rather other interests.
"It took me a long time to come to this conclusion," Anthony Bass, a former finance major at Northwestern said, "but when the bonuses went away, it was getting harder and harder to believe I loved diversifying portfolios. It lost that excitement and sense of buying new suits that I loved so much."
Even accounting majors, in fear of future job cuts, have started to re-prioritize.
"Balancing sheets was my life. I woke up every day just wanting to make sure clients' assets equaled their liabilities plus their stockholders' equity," Benjamin Waldorf, a junior accounting major said. "Now that I don't have an internship, I'm not so sure.
And he's not alone. Accounting majors across the nation are rethinking their commitment to ensuring that the government collects the taxes it's owed. Now, the primary driver of these noble young patriots is seemingly cowering in the face of fewer employment opportunities.
"I suppose I could explore other interests I have," Waldorf said. "As long as they provide the same balancing and huge-salary opportunities that accounting does."
"If I could, I would merge and acquire companies for free, " said JPMorgan. "I firmly believe in maximizing shareholder wealth. I didn't choose to maximize
Subject: My Paper
Professor,
After receiving the grade you awarded me on my last paper, I was truly shocked. I realize the papers were handed back in class several weeks ago, though I only recently received mine during your TA's office hours yesterday. I'd like to argue that it was not a "D" paper, "incoherent," "misleading," or "humorously off-target."
Firstly, I feel that professors too often get tied up in the technicalities of a paper. You outlined in your syllabus that all of our papers have to be at minimum double-spaced. I, honestly, did not know triple-spacing was not allowed. You never specified a maximum and it's never been a problem with any of my other teachers. My choice of font has also never been an issue before, and I was surprised to read your comment that the entire paper had to be typed.
Secondly, I'm impressed you followed up on my sources. You're right, many of the books I cited have not yet been written. To be fair, the titles were obviously a bit too pertinent to my topic, and there's no online journal without a name or authors.
I was also under the impression that Wikipedia is a credible source, as you announced in class. I do not think its fair to discount a Wikipedia article simply because it was written by myself. I assure you, you can trust the many alarming statistics that supported my case.
Lastly, I did hand my paper in on time. It may not have been on your time, but it was certainly on time on the entire West Coast. In an increasingly globalized economy, do you think it's fair not to specify which time-zone your papers are due in? I don't either.
I expect this resolves the matter.
Sincerely,
Samuel
"Paaaarty at Apt 11!!!" sent you a message on Faceboo...
Yo everyone...this saturday night is gonna be straight up bananas! I hope you're all ready to get twisted, but i just wanna make sure that everyone knows some of my rules so we don't have a repeat of last year...!
First rule is, there at no rules!
Second rule is, you have until 12am EST tonight to reply to my party. If you fail to do so, you will not be admitted. If you have replied "maybe," then "maybe" I will let you into my party.
I'm not going to buy any more, or less, refreshments than necessary. I do not appreciate leftovers, and i do not appreciate tardiness. The door will be open for a brief span of 25 minutes. After 8:45pm, no guest will be allowed in or out.
Third rule, ABSOLUTELY no horselplay! You all know I do not entertain guests very often, and it's for good reason. I have very expensive carpets, and I don't appreciate people walking all over them. I have the Police on standby, and if the noise level gets out of control I will not hesitate to have all of you arrested.
Fourth rule, if any guest shows signs of inebriation, whether through consumption of alcohol or otherwise, they will immediately be asked to leave. This party will not be straight up bananas in the traditional sense, and I urge every one of my guests to contain themselves socially. If you do feel overcome by the need to dance, I suggest you do it in the bathroom. The music selection has been pre-approved by myself and a committee hand-picked by your peers. It's gonna be F'ing ridonculous!!!
Fifthly, I will be collecting money from everybody admitted into this sick-ass party. The suggested donation is $20 and the required donation in $20. I'm not doing anybody any favors: This party is for you, not me, and I will be compensated as such. I will not be providing change, and any guest finding themselves without the proper denomination of currency will be dealt with on an individual basis.
And finally, go craaaaaazzzzy!!!!!!! We're all gonna be getting down like we have an extra chromosome!!!!
See you there playas!
Subject: Full-Time Position
To Whom This May Concern:
I saw your listing for a full time opening in your firm, and I'd very much like to apply for a position in your prestigious company. I'm currently a senior at a top-50 college, and will be graduating in May with a degree in economics.
As you can see from my resume, my previous internships have certainly not prepared me for success in the business world. My experience lies predominantly in embellishing past experiences.
However, my lack of experience and skill is far outweighed by my interest in making money and reaching the top. I will enthusiastically claw my way up the corporate ladder, and I'm offering your firm an opportunity to let me climb up theirs.
My greatest strengths do not lie in my intelligence or work-ethic, as you can see by examining my attached transcript. Rather, it's my lack of conscience. I have no loyalties and will not stop for anything standing in my way, including you and your colleagues. I look forward to personally discussing my other strengths at my interview.
My greatest weakness? Where should I start? Theft. I'm not coming in with the intention to steal from your company but, as my references will attest to, if presented with an opportunity, I will most likely take advantage of you. It's something I'm working on, but we will cross that bridge when we get there.
I am confident if we work together, we can make this work for us, rather than against us.
Attached is my resume. Please feel free to contact me for references, although I do not believe they will accurately reflect my positive traits.
Sincerely,
Josep Weiner
D.K Hunt School of Business
Senior 2009
Film Review: From Circus To Zoo: The Story of Professor Josep Weiner
The most independent movie ever made
If you only see one movie this Fall, make sure it’s this one. At once frightening and irreverent, From Circus to Zoo: The Story of Professor Josep Weiner, tells the harrowing tale of one extraordinary man’s campaign to rescue circus wildlife and train it for life in the zoo. It’s a roller coaster ride with only one speed: extraordinary.
After completing the festival circuit, the film was released in September by Josep Weinerzz Productions, which Weiner started in 2001 with his mother. From Circus to Zoo was shot entirely on Mr. Weiner’s cell phone in less than a week, and is now being called “the most independent movie ever made.” It cost around $12 to produce, which according to the records he made public (under no pressure to do so), was mostly budgeted towards doctor’s fees to pay for injuries incurred during sex scenes.
“I like to live life on the edge…of the edge,’ says Professor Weiner, writer, director, producer, and part-time professor in an online community college. “I hope this movie sheds light on an issue that has received too little attention from concerned citizens.”
The citizens’ lack of concern towards the mistreatment of circus wildlife may be due to the obvious lack of mistreatment of circus wildlife. Fed, medicated, and cared for by the strict standards self-imposed by the Circus Management Association (CMA), circus wildlife is in no way harmed or mistreated, which is no surprise given their prominence in the billion-dollar industry. In fact, most veterinarians will tell you that animals are better off being cared for by a circus than by a zoo.
Although the facts he devoted his life to fighting against seem lost on him, Weiner’s misguided zeal is the real charm of this indie masterpiece .
“Until every bear, monkey, lion, and elephant are sleeping comfortably in a zoo, I cannot sleep comfortably,” said Weiner in a phone interview. “Given the scarcity of animal use in present day circuses, I estimate that will be in late 2010.”
From Circus to Zoo is being widely reviewed as one of the finest mockumentaries made in the past decade, “leaving audiences across America charmed and laughing from beginning to end.” Given those accolades, Weiner’s insistence that it’s a documentary remains ever more puzzling. The ending (*Spoiler Alert*), in which he is viciously mauled to death in his sleep by the very animals he has sacrificed so much for, particularly brings his claim into question given his tireless present-day promotion of the film.
“I like to describe it as a romantic docudramedy,” said Wiener, author of The Middle East: The Never Ending Conflict (which after protests from several major Israel advocacy groups can now be found in the historical fiction section.) His utter lack of self-awareness is remarkable.
Through the film’s appalling production value, plot, and choreography, Professor Weiner has shown that enormous studio budgets are no match for a heartfelt movie on a mission. And for the crowd who refuses to watch a movie that anyone else has ever heard about, Weiner has certainly shown he’s not afraid to cross cultural lines.
After several successful rescues, (*Spoiler Alert*) Weiner (who boasts he does all his own stunts) falls in love with Alexander Markonovitch,a prominent ringmaster played by Gene Hackman. He and Wiener continue to engage in a grotesquely homosexual relationship in one of the most graphic sex scenes ever shown on, or off, screen. Though it adds little to the story or cinematic value of the film, it’s certainly indicative of Weiner’s courage to push the bar.
Watching From Circus to Zoo is like driving past an accident on the highway. You rebuke others ahead of you for taking time to watch, but you soon find yourself doing the same. With a combined sense of shame and fascination, you will leave this film feeling guilty for having watched, and lucky to have not been involved.
